Pigs Which May or May Not be On Welfare

From: I-Com
Subject: k-bay: hush money vs tell money
Date: Sat, 01 Apr 2006 16:55:03 -0500

Ok. So the best friends forever weekend brunch went off without a hitch. there was no time to call you guys on the telephone during lunch so you could listen to flav's subtle friend brewing banter. at first i was a little bummed.

however, after lunch, sarah, my new best friend, flav and i walked what we here refer to as "the tital basin". it was a beautiful day, the fields lay fallow as did the many hung-over college students (lay fallow) all nestled in their sparse georgetown apartments. we walked, we looked at the cherry blossoms in full bloom, we delighted in each other's witty reparte and at several points we were almost hit by cars.

... and then flav said it. something so horrific, (yet so funny) that afterwards, she begged me not to tell anyone, especially the other strands of brand x.... yes, begged me. tried to make me shake on it that i wouldn't tell you. but as my new best friend, sarah witnessed, i did not shake.

so i'm free to tell. and i'm not a very moral and ethical person, so i have no problem telling what flav said (plus its a good story). but instead, i thought i would first open the floor to you. i thought i would establish a bribing version of ebay to settle the story. call it k-bay. my thought is that i'm unsure whether chewy and the enforcer's desire for me to tell a good flava story is larger or smaller than what Quixote will offer me not to tell.

so let the bidding begin... only non-monetary offerings will be accepted. the sale will be consummated when one of the bids meets my reservation price.

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From: I-Com
Subject: If a Bribe is Requested in the Woods and No One Hears It...
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2006 16:10:42 -0400

If a bribe is requested in the woods and no one is there to hear it, did it really happen? Am I going crazy here? Is a story which makes Quixote sound like a borderline racist or dare I say it, a Republican, lost all value in this day and age? Are you so jaded by South Belles who get abducted by the man down the street that you don't recognize good material when you see it?

PS. And don't even think about accusing me of unilaterally trying to introduce a strand to Brand X, because its totally untrue. I was merely cc'ing a witness and lawyer who saw that I did not shake Flavas hand that I would not reveal her secret.

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From: Chewie

Andi -- Note the desperation in Icom's voice, the point at which "the auctioneer" who had all the market power now sees that power shifting like sand beneath his feet. Let's give it a few more days of the "silent treatment" and he'll practically be BEGGING us to listen to the story. Hell, maybe he'll even pay US!!!!

Flav -- Don't you worry your Quixotic / Republican little head about it -- Andi & I will get the story out of Icom, then immediately administer the "Kiss of Forgetfulness" to all 3 of us (we'll make sure to have Superman on hand). Superman will then fly over to Sarah's house (Icom probably already knows the way since they're now BEST friends forever -- T.L.F. / K.I.T.) and administer the "Kiss of Forgetfulness" to her. If you want to be on the safe side, we'll have him fly up and administer the "Kiss of Forgetfulness" to you too, so that the story is safely forgotten to all of mankind. Either that, or Andi & I may laugh our asses off and decide to publish the story in someone's blog. Or perhaps we'll act out the story near a snowbank in Boston Common. But we'll probably do the Superman thing...no sweat. You can probably trust us.

ICom -- I forgot to tell you before, but don't read the first 2 paragraphs. Especially the first one, as it contains "Super Secret Negotiation Tactics" that Andi & I are planning to use. If you already read it, let me know and I'll send Superman over. (He's already at my house trying to help me forget that you CLEARLY tried to introduce a 5th strand to Brand X. Unfortunately, even the deepest French "Kiss of Forgetfulness" from the Man of Steel can't help me forget the ass-whooooopin' I took when I was (falsely! I proclaim my innocence even to this day!!!) accused of such a treacherous act.

Scratch Scratch Thump Thump,
Chewie

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From: The Enforcer

My nickname is the Enforcer, isn’t that enough to obligate you to tell me and anyone else I choose!

I just figured I’d make you my target at the next soccer game you play with the Pelitos unless you tell me (that’s right, I will target a teammate if necessary) – Chewy will help by playing defense, which means you will be running from me while also trying to cover 2 defensive positions.

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From: Chewie

I'd suggest you tell her, Icom.
cc me for certification -- your life may very well depend on it.

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From: I-Com

Kiss of Forgetfulness??? Ordering a Code Red against your Fellow Sweeper while Chewy flails chaotically on the backline? Are we forgetting who's wearing the Scarlet Lettered Clock around her neck and who is the Merry Jokester that Could Provide the Strands with Years of Frivolity in the form of a Joke that will never get old?

And if a peaceful blackmailing solution cannot be reached so that the Enforcer's answer is one of violent means, I would direct it against the Republican-Sympathizing and Eminently-More-Fun to-Beat-Up Quixote. The name Quixote almost begs for a good walloping.

And before we jump to Machiavellian conclusions, let me remind everyone that I have strong ties to the Global Industrial Complex, whose power is stronger than a mere trip to the legs. Let us not trend so dangerously to this grizzly end game.

-Icom

P.S> "Chewy will help by playing defense" killed me.

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From: Flava Flav

Ahoy Brand X-ers!!

I am back from my tour of the east coast and internet enabled once again. Now I must admit I have no idea what Icom could be referring to. As you know, hilarity rolls from my lips like shining droplets from the eternal fountain, but I am at a complete loss to recall this alleged "Republican-sympathizing" event. In fact, I suspect that this is a clever ruse by Icom Machiavelli (descendant of Niccolo Machiavelli). There was indeed a mortifyingly hilarious event, but it was enacted by Senor Icom, not yours truly. Gales of laughter (and ridicule) ensued. Smelling salts needed to be administered to Icom's new best friend Sarah after she passed out due to prolonged laughter. Yes, K-Bay is just a decoy, a trick, to impinge my credibility when I tell the REAL embarrassing, yet hilarious tale of human folly.

Chewie and the Enforcer, don't be taken in by this silver-tongued devil's tale of deceit. What is more likely?
Flava "Line Item Veto, my ass!!!" Flav is a Republican sympathizer
OR
Icom is created this whole charade as a pre-emptive strike to distract you from a tale so embarrassing and hilarious that it will take at least 6 months before any of Brand Xer can look at or even think or Icom without giggling.

Hmmmm? Well???
I'll let you decide.

lovemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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From: I-Com

ok, quixote. i made it up. -Icom

ps. by the way, i'm in the process of running an ican search on the url www.welfarepigs.com. the idea just popped in my made-up head today.

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From: Chewie

Enforcer -- Note how our strategy of holding out is not only going to yield us ONE funny-ass story about Flav, but another totally different funny-ass story about Icom. Who cares if one (or both) of them is made up? If we can just let this war of words between Icom & Flav escalate to a fever pitch, we'll be swamped in funny-ass stories by Friday.

Icom / Flav -- Please don't read the above paragraph (secret negotiating strategies again). Oh, and Flav -- Icom told me to tell you that global warming is as made up as "Roswell aliens". And Icom -- Flav said that each Foo Fighters song is a unique and majestic musical creation.

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From: Flava Flav

Icom,

Oh how quickly the scarlet lettered clock has turned. I may know nothing of sports where axioms such as "the best offense is a good defense" hold true. No, I hail from a different background... the law. Yes, raised by a lawyer I know that the best defense is a good offense. A strong countersuit is often the best way to thwart a scurrilous attempt by others to defame one's character. It comes down to credibility, mon frere. Did I request bribes to tell my story? Did I attempt extortion? How could I? I am here to serve Brand X. NOTHING is more valuable to me than the harmonious tones of the guffaws and chortles of my Brand X brethren. This may explain why you will be eating sod next time you set foot on a Pelito soccer field while I am still nestled snugly in the bosom of Brand X friendship and loyalty. In fact I don't want to come between Chewie and the Enforcer and a good story. Feel free to share your story.

But first I must ask, what is this www.welfarepigs.com you speak of? Pigs are not a very good candidate for welfare. Oxen or work horses on the other hand, you've got something. What lays down the road oxen and horses? After a long life of ploughing fields and contributing to the farm, the only thanks they get is a future as glue or a hamburger. It's sad. They should consider unionizing. They could demand retirement benefits, limit the number of acres that can ploughed in a single day, and more access and canoodling time with the heifers. They could have snappy slogans like "Lack on Hot Heifer Sex Makes Me See Red" or "Support Oxen Rights or the Bullseye Will Be On You!" If oxen banded together, they step out of their life of drudgery and toil.

Pigs, on the other hand, do nothing but lie around, eat slop, and wallow in mud. Not to mention the friendship and free vocabulary lessons by the local spider community "Salutations!!" Who couldn't handle that? Welfare for pigs is absurd.

Well, it's been a pleasure as always. Please tell your story at your earliest convenience. Don't let me get in your way.

Talk soon,
lovemmmmmmmmmmm

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From: Chewie

Now THAT was a Brand X classic. I don't even know where to start, but "canoodling time with the heifers" is the funniest thing I've heard all week. Bonus points for the first Brand Xer to EVER allude to Charlotte's Web.

Chewie happy. Chewie very happy.

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From: I-Com

as nathaniel hawthorne wrote, "a scarlet lettered clock, hung from the neck but turned butt side up, can only tell time to one's bosoms".

and as you're pondering that one for a moment, i should note that having read your rebuttal, i would have surmised that you were not raised by lawyers at all, but instead by a far more swine-like creature... the politician who engages in spin-doctored misdirection when caught in the headlights of scandalous guilt.

but while the guilty demand their punishment be doled out immediately, the crafty blackmailer lies in wait like a lion lying prone on mountain grasslands (rrraorr)... waiting to spring subtly and decisively in a way that does much damage to the steady but stupid oxen. maybe tomorrow, maybe next week...

maybe it will come when your new boss finally writes back to you and says "Be happy with our wonderful 2 week vacation package or be happy at the unemployment line", perhaps you'll wonder to yourself, "OHHHH. Have I been sabotaged? Have I been bamboozled? Has someone powerful and lion-like whispered in the bossman's ear? Oh who could have done such a thing?"

But the only reply will be the faint but incessant ticking of the Scarlet Lettered Clock, beating butt-side up, its silent response like water torture on your soul.

tick tock

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From: Flava Flav

Really, you think I have a future in politics? Aw shucks. Spin-Doctored Misdirection? Moi? You know I feel a little bad, Chewie and the Enforcer are still expecting their story and you've got nothing. Just remember, this all could have been avoided if you had shook hands in the first place. Just store this little lesson away for next time.

Now let's look on the bright side. When Brand X finally makes its play for world domination, I can take care of the PR. Well maybe with help from Chewie. Chewie can deal with all the people that annoy me, like my neighbors at my last party. I don’t have good strategies for annoying people other than "Go ahead, call the cops. I love police officers. Bring it on!"

Can we all just kiss and make up now? Enforcer, you promise not to slide tackle Icom. Icom, you are indeed a majestic lion. I am a Machiavelli genius. We all win, now let's make fun of Chewie.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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From: Chewie

Chewie's not calling the Enforcer off until we hear a story about welfare pigs.

Thump Thump Thump.

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From: I-Com

Flava- I agree we've strayed away from our "core competency" of making fun of chewy. on the bright side, we've created several days of furious 4-strand inclusive witty banter, some of which we might actually remember next week. you and i both know what i've got in terms of story content, but i agree that its probably best that the story be told at the right place and the right time... i was thinking about using the phrase "the rich oral tradition of storytelling within brand x" here, but i decided that would be the equivalent of tossing up a softball that even chewy could hit out of the park. (scratch scratch).

just as writing an email to all strands about the "missing sock in the taiwan pizza hut" or the "homosexual flight attendant sauna" story would not maximize the comedic value neither would serious discussion on welfare pigs and their ability to find jobs. we'll tell it the next time we're all together to schameel schamozzle.

PS. After I sent out yesterday's email, I was bummed that I didn't sign it: X3MIT Would any of you have gotten it? Hint: Scarlett Lettered Clock Butt Side Up.

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From: Flava Flav

I have no idea what X3MIT means. Chewie? Enforcer?
Anyone?

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From: The Enforcer

Yay, I get it and Flava doesn't! I'm just going to hold this one in reserve until I get the story.

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From: Chewie

The only X3MIT I know is for the part number for the main bearing housing on the Hyperdrive Modulator on the Millenium Falcon. But it doesn't make any sense for Flava Flav to be ordering one of those.

Chewie

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From: I-Com

It’s TIMEX written inside out and in scarlett letters. Much like the view you would have of one of those see-through Flava Flav clocks were it to be hanging butt side up around someone's neck. I thought it was pretty damn clever, but feared that the reference might be a little obscure. Clearly, my fears were warranted.

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From: The Enforcer

Icom – you were supposed to hold that for ammunition! As I told Chewie (yes, we had a side email about this so that we could hold this over Flava’s head) I would argue that this is actually a clock in the mirror rather than upsides down and X3WIl would have been more appropriate, although the upside down T is hard to work out (I used an underlined lowercase L if it doesn’t come through). Now you definitely have to tell us the story (at the appropriate time for maximum humor, of course) to make up for this mistake.

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From: I-Com

Dang-

1. I feel as dumb as Chewy now. It would be helpful in the future if you could include me on any clandestine sidebars so that I have a little "heads up" about the grand plan.

2. I also can't believe you came up with X3WIl We might have to change your name from the Enforcer to Rainman. How about Rainman Enforner or the Renforcer for short?

3. Do you mean to tell me that after living and biking across the US with Flava for the past million years, you don't have a lifetime of ammunition to hold over her head? I've known her for a drop in your overflowing bucket and I've already accumulated a mini arsenal. Maybe we should have an arms bizarre.

4. Finally, how come when you attempt extortion of Flava, its ok? When I attempt the same thing, I'm threatened with viscious slidetakling. Be careful. You may be coming down with the dreaded "M Syndrome", a rare disease where people tiptoe around you and never question any of your actions for fear you'll blow up at the them in a fit of rage, in your case slide tackling rage.


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From: The Enforcer

1) Come on, even if you weren’t part of the plan you should of held out a little bit. I shouldn’t be surprised though given how quickly you began to fold after the lack of response to the k-bay email.

2) X3WIl took a little time - I had to write it on a post-it and determine the different impact of turning – good thing my boss is on vacation this week.

3) You are right, I do have more ammunition in the arsenal – Flava beware.

4) I was only threatening you because of your attempt to withhold information, my attempt of extortion of Flava is only to ensure that she does not stand in the way of Chewie and I are hearing the welfare pigs story. I have received my vaccinations for the “M Syndrome.”

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From: Chewie

Chewie comment on Enforcer point #1 below: WIIIIIIAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG! (Translation -- "Boom! Now THAT was a virtual, long-distance clothesline -- the Enforcer doesn't even need for someone to be in the same STATE to rack them hard")

Chewie like the Enforcer. Chewie want to restart negotiations for 70's sitcom "Chewie and the Enforcer". Chewie don't even have to drive -- he can sit in passenger seat of Charger convertible and make Wookie noises and shoot bad guys with laser gun.

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From: Flava Flav

Drop your weapons; I am not getting in the way of the welfare pig story. There really isn't anything left, but If Icom can still make a story out of it, I will be eternally impressed.

NOW, I OBJECT to the proliferation of these sub strand side-bars. (especially since I never seem to be included) Without all four strands there is no Brand X. There are no snuggly warm houses. I have yet to see the sidebar from Dorn forwarding the future best friend brunch email. I TOTALLY followed the script. "Oh Dave, you and Leanne are traveling around the world, Icom spent 6 years in China and speaks Mandarin" Now, I know this is hilarious, but I don't know HOW hilarious because i never saw the sidebar.
sigh...

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From: I-Com

Proliferation is a big word. Plus it contains the words "Pro Life" in it, which may be another freudian hint that Flav is actually a republican underneath that green windmill loving exterior of hers.

i do agree that the welfare pig story is far inferior to this week's worth of banter. but it will be told in due time, and you'll probably laugh for about 1 second, followed by "That's It?". Unless, between now and then I have a flash of brilliance and make a bunch of stuff up to create a mountain story when before it was just a mole hill. As for sidebars, sometimes they're necessary. for example, i often write craig, to tell him, "RESPOND TO MY UTTERLY HILARIOUS EMAIL. NOW. ACKNOWLEDGE ME." and he writes back "Scratch Scratch". But I agree that we should have a "No Sidebars of Substance" treaty.

I'll sign up to the NSOS. -K

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From: I-Com
Subject: SIDEBAR

On the outside chance that Flav drives back down to DC and murders me for that last pro-life comment (wouldn't that be ironic?), I'd just like to sidebar you that my signed will and testament is hidden in the jacket of my "Rushmore" DVD. hope to see you again.

The Creation of a Brand

From: I-com
Subject: Long but Filled with Love (and a Philosophical, Completely-Hypothetical Question
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 12:11:24 -0500

So, I was just doing my annual spring cleaning / advanced data analysis of my inbox and I realized that in 2004, I’ve gotten a veritable plethora of emails from a group that includes people named Flav, enforcer, and chewy. If I add the number of people on the “To:” line of these emails with the number of people on the “Fr:” line of these emails, the average over 1,283 emails is about 4.000000000000000000003. Now, I’m not what you’d call a “significant digit kind of guy” but this number ‘3’ at the end of the string of numbers kind of intrigued me. In case this is too much math for some of you, I’ve tailored my next question in words that each of you will understand:

Flav- Suppose when you look at your favorite brand of high performance insulation under a microscope (let’s call it Brand X), you see it is actually a series of four distinctly different super high performance strands of insulation woven together. Brand X has been keeping houses warm and snuggly since the early 1900s. Now suppose that one day, you’re reading “Air Sealing Monthly”, the magazine. It advertises that Brand X is moving to a new 5 strand brand of insulation. Do you wonder:

· Can the new product still be a high performance insulation?
· What is the 5th strand made of? What does it offer to the insulation?
· Did Brand X ask/consult with its customers before changing their patented insulation strand?
· What’s in it for the other 4 strands?

Enforcer- Suppose you have been anchored with the task of running the Pelitos while the normal coach is exploring Eastern European “nightlife”. You have found a line-up that works quite effectively: in fact the team is 3wins and no losses under your command. Near the end of the game, as you’re playing on the field, you glance over to the sidelines to find that one of your good friends is standing on the sidelines wearing a Pelito jersey. This is surprising because you don’t know whether your friend is any good at soccer, no one told you that they were coming and they never played during the game so you’re not sure whether they’re any good anyway. Do you:

(a) Tell them to sub in for Melissa at left halfback to test their abilities
(b) Do nothing, or
(c) Kick the ball at their head and “accidentally” slide tackle them.

Chewy- scratch scratch, scratch scratch scratch? (giant monkey language)

And finally a question that we all can relate to, suppose that NBC invites us to a special screening of the original pilot of “Full House”. The whole original cast is there including John Stamos and the Olsen twins. Except when they show the pilot, there’s an extra sibling played by a cracked out Richard Pryor circa 1987. The weird thing is that everyone in the audience is just pretending like it’s the most normal thing. You don't necessarily dislike this different "Full House", but shouldn’t somebody say something, or do you think that it would just piss Bob Saget off?
-K

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From: Flava Flav

I believe Chewy made the offer of inclusion to the hypothetical cracked-out Richard Pryor 5th strand. Upon reflection I'm not even sure the hypothetical cracked-out Richard Pryor 5th strand really wants to be included. It may have been one of those things you say at parties but don't really mean. Like "Yes, I will come visit you in East Nowheresville, Iowa. Let's plan that." Now realistically everyone knows that NO ONE ever visits East Nowheresville but you say it just the same (and inwardly curse the gods that make you a deceiving swine).

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From: I-com

that's interesting. this is a direct quote from chewy (I've translated it into English from monkey (it was my minor in college):

when [Strand 5 of Brand X] was in town last weekend, she expressed dismay when the subject of our witty banter group came up that she wasn't included. so flav, being the kind soul that she is, added her to this chain.

you said chewy offered... chewy pawed himself in a way that means, "Flav offered". since chewy is currently at the "doctors" right now (code word for: at the university of florida where doctors are taking parts of his brain and seeing if his brain can fly a plane), flav, you might as well use this opportunity to trash him (john stamos would).
-k

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From: Chewie

aaiiiiiiiiikeeee wiki wiki wiki poooooooooooooooooooooooo
(I'm pretty sure it was flav, but I couldn't swear on a banana that it wasn't me)

keeepaoooo ickeee aieee aieee aieee aieee
(However, I agree with flav that it was one of those things that one says at a party but doesn't mean)

paooooo paooooo reee [Strand 5 of Brand X] reeeeee reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Especially since [Strand 5 of Brand X] hasn't responded and is probably auto-deleting these emails by now)

aeek aeek aeek wiki wiki aaa aaa aaa aaa paeee paeee puuu puuu ruuk rukkk ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh
(But I DO have a question -- why is icom being so insular and uncivilized? I mean, I may throw my feces against the wall and pick lice out of my neighbor's hair, and perhaps [Strand 5 of Brand X] isn't the right fit, but the still-forming human genes of compassion in me say -- "Can we truly say that all carpets should only be 4-strands and no more?" This is an existential question that has bothered me since this morning when I was drinking my own urine.)

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From: The Enforcer

I’m not sure if it was Chewy or Flav that made the offer, but I do believe that Flav was the first person to add Strand 5 to Brand X. I don’t have the email archive on this, but I believe Icom could go back and clear up this mystery when he runs his next calculation.

Going to my tailored question though, I sympathize with Chewy and/or Flav because I would probably go with A. If the pelito-jerseyed outsider’s performance was reminiscent of say… Oh I don’t know, maybe Chewy at sweeper, then I’d probably find a way to politely avoid putting them into a game in the future.

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From: I-com

Darn. I was almost certain that you'd go with some variation of C. I'm not implying Strand 5 Brand X is a bad thing... all i'm saying is that the next time craig asks to play in the field, you watch him kick the ball on the sidelines a couple time before just throwing him in the game.

its like teen wolf. when they replaced michael j fox with jason bateman in teen wolf too, they sent around a bunch of disclaimers to public high schools across the us, saying "hey kids, we're switching the character todd howard to jason bateman because michael j fox wanted too much money after all that Back to the Future stuff. But don't worry, its still really funny and he's in college now, so just roll with it." And as a result, Jason Bateman did great and that film did made money at the box office.
-k

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From: Chewie

aeeee aeeee aeeeee aeeeee aEEEEE AEEEEE AEEEE AEEEE
(i'd like to point out , for the record, that i was at LEAST as effective at sweeper as a folding chair that's been placed in the middle of the field)

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From: Flava Flav

For the record, I don't even have Strand 5's email address so I could not have initiated inclusion. I'm just a "go with the flow" girl who "replies all".

On a side note, I would like to congratulate icom on his insulation/air sealing humor. It took 3 days, but with exemplary results.

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From: Flava Flav

I would like to formally propose that going forward our witty banter family should be referred to as "Brand X". I like it. It's snappy.

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From: Chewie

Scratch scratch scratch weeke weekee ooooaaaa oaaaaaa
(I agree -- would someone help me pick some of these lice out of my
hair?)

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From: Chewie
Subject: Brand X -- MYSTERY SOLVED!!!
Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005 16:52:05 -0500

Ok, the mystery is solved. It all started when I sent Enforcer, Flav, and Strand 5 the King Kong email as per a discussion at Bob's party Saturday night. Then Flav hit "Reply to All" and started the witty banter chain that caused Icom's panties to get all in a bunch while simultaneously making Strand 5 regret that she'd ever heard the words "witty banter email".


So in a nutshell, it's all King Kong's fault. Hardly my idea of the perfect man, one who is in perfect harmony with himself while thrusting his pecs and asscheeks into the hands of a hot Italian woman whilst dancing in the beautiful Tuscan countryside.

scratch scratch

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From: I-com
Subject: RE: Stream of Consciousness Mondays
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:00:28 -0500
for the record:

1. this is the first email message i have with Strand 5 Brand X included. Leads me to believe that MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmm is the guilty party, although her alibi sounds fairly good.

2. its equally plausible that monkey boy is the guilty party and just forgot that he did it. of course, this would mean that there was some witty banter being done behind my back (OH the Treachery!). If true, I would feel a lot like Michael J Fox after Teen Wolf Too became enormously successful.

Enforcer- you're the only impartial judge. Who's to blame? We need to know so that we can move on and put this whole episode behind us.

-K

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From: The Enforcer

Do we really need to blame someone? Kevin, I think you and I should just sit back and bask in the glow of knowing that it was not our fault and that we will be able to hold this over the heads of Flav and Chewy forever. We should just move on and be proud of all the quality, witty banter that came out of this. Plus we can now use Brand X as a new inside code to avoid future Strand 5 incidents, much like in college when Anna and I used “Want to go to Taco Bell?” as code for “Do you want me to help you get rid of this guy?”

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From: Flava Flav
Subject: I am not a crook

alright, alright, i did it. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa (Chewy, that's from "the Act of Contrition" in Latin).

However i stand by my previous statement that it was CHEWY who made the offer of inclusion at Bob's party. (If I'm going down, I'm taking Chewy with me).

Now I must take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate the ease with which Enforcer said "Let us not blame..." followed a mere half line later by "hold it over their heads forever", and somehow there was no noticeable logical breakdown, sheer genius.

Boston folks, anyone want to see Harry Potter tonight?

lovemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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From: Flava Flav

Chewy,

I included the Latin to give you an opportunity to tell us about your great great great great grandfather's demise during the Holy Roman Empire and it's impact on all Westmorelands thereafter.

mm

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From: I-com

all i know is that it wasn't Enforcer or i who attempted to add a 5th strand to brand x. no no (latin for 'no'). we won't have that burden on our conscious night in and night out for the rest of our lives.

i also hear that watching harry potter will take away a little piece of your soul. might be just a rumor. maybe the butterfly effect is playing at the dollar cinema or something; chewy really liked that one and he'd probably see it again (astin kutcher is a god in the giant primate community)
-k

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From: Chewie

P.S. As if I needed to bolster my previous point about the story never holding up in court, the alleged discussion actually took place at Allison's party (on the couch), not at Bob's party, as Drunkie Emotional Can't Be Relied on For Solid Testimony Flav claims.

QED.***

*** Latin for "in yo' respective faces, biznatches"

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From: Chewie

That story is so well-known that it doesn't need repeating. The legend of Maximus Westmorelandus is one that, to this day, children across Europe never tire of hearing as a bedtime story of good triumphing over evil.

On Flav's pitiful attempt to take me down, I say "Shamus Shamus" (latin for "Shame on you" (alternate translation: The plural of trained whales who make their home at Sea World)). Flav's amateurish attempt at smearing my good name further underscores the mistake made from the beginning -- she made her mistake on email, which as we all know, stays around forever.** However, IF I made the statement at the party (and I'm only saying "IF"!!! -- no admission of guilt here), I made it verbally, with limited witnesses who were all hopped up on Cosmopolitans and obviously distraught by the treachery shown during judging that removed "Pope with Bow & Arrow Hunting Bear with Honey" from the judging. Even with witnesses, that would never stand up in court.

Sit back, Flav, and take a lesson from the master.***

I'm taking the day off from work -- so I'm off to frolic in the snow, do some shopping, and generally not check email. So I'm declaring my laptop to be a "Yoko-Free Zone" (Flav, don't even think about this -- see comment above (RE: "master" = me; "amateur" = you).

Adieu, Farewell, Bon Voyage, Ciao, Peace Out Biznatches,
Chewy the Master Miyagi

** And, I might add, we all have a healthy respect for -- I'm sure none of the comments made by Brand X will ever come back to haunt us, say if I'm ever running for President of the Society for the Humane Treatment of Gorillas, or if Icom's ever up for CEO of the first-ever 5-strand carpet company.

*** The "master" being me.