Pigs Which May or May Not be On Welfare

From: I-Com
Subject: k-bay: hush money vs tell money
Date: Sat, 01 Apr 2006 16:55:03 -0500

Ok. So the best friends forever weekend brunch went off without a hitch. there was no time to call you guys on the telephone during lunch so you could listen to flav's subtle friend brewing banter. at first i was a little bummed.

however, after lunch, sarah, my new best friend, flav and i walked what we here refer to as "the tital basin". it was a beautiful day, the fields lay fallow as did the many hung-over college students (lay fallow) all nestled in their sparse georgetown apartments. we walked, we looked at the cherry blossoms in full bloom, we delighted in each other's witty reparte and at several points we were almost hit by cars.

... and then flav said it. something so horrific, (yet so funny) that afterwards, she begged me not to tell anyone, especially the other strands of brand x.... yes, begged me. tried to make me shake on it that i wouldn't tell you. but as my new best friend, sarah witnessed, i did not shake.

so i'm free to tell. and i'm not a very moral and ethical person, so i have no problem telling what flav said (plus its a good story). but instead, i thought i would first open the floor to you. i thought i would establish a bribing version of ebay to settle the story. call it k-bay. my thought is that i'm unsure whether chewy and the enforcer's desire for me to tell a good flava story is larger or smaller than what Quixote will offer me not to tell.

so let the bidding begin... only non-monetary offerings will be accepted. the sale will be consummated when one of the bids meets my reservation price.

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From: I-Com
Subject: If a Bribe is Requested in the Woods and No One Hears It...
Date: Mon, 03 Apr 2006 16:10:42 -0400

If a bribe is requested in the woods and no one is there to hear it, did it really happen? Am I going crazy here? Is a story which makes Quixote sound like a borderline racist or dare I say it, a Republican, lost all value in this day and age? Are you so jaded by South Belles who get abducted by the man down the street that you don't recognize good material when you see it?

PS. And don't even think about accusing me of unilaterally trying to introduce a strand to Brand X, because its totally untrue. I was merely cc'ing a witness and lawyer who saw that I did not shake Flavas hand that I would not reveal her secret.

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From: Chewie

Andi -- Note the desperation in Icom's voice, the point at which "the auctioneer" who had all the market power now sees that power shifting like sand beneath his feet. Let's give it a few more days of the "silent treatment" and he'll practically be BEGGING us to listen to the story. Hell, maybe he'll even pay US!!!!

Flav -- Don't you worry your Quixotic / Republican little head about it -- Andi & I will get the story out of Icom, then immediately administer the "Kiss of Forgetfulness" to all 3 of us (we'll make sure to have Superman on hand). Superman will then fly over to Sarah's house (Icom probably already knows the way since they're now BEST friends forever -- T.L.F. / K.I.T.) and administer the "Kiss of Forgetfulness" to her. If you want to be on the safe side, we'll have him fly up and administer the "Kiss of Forgetfulness" to you too, so that the story is safely forgotten to all of mankind. Either that, or Andi & I may laugh our asses off and decide to publish the story in someone's blog. Or perhaps we'll act out the story near a snowbank in Boston Common. But we'll probably do the Superman thing...no sweat. You can probably trust us.

ICom -- I forgot to tell you before, but don't read the first 2 paragraphs. Especially the first one, as it contains "Super Secret Negotiation Tactics" that Andi & I are planning to use. If you already read it, let me know and I'll send Superman over. (He's already at my house trying to help me forget that you CLEARLY tried to introduce a 5th strand to Brand X. Unfortunately, even the deepest French "Kiss of Forgetfulness" from the Man of Steel can't help me forget the ass-whooooopin' I took when I was (falsely! I proclaim my innocence even to this day!!!) accused of such a treacherous act.

Scratch Scratch Thump Thump,
Chewie

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From: The Enforcer

My nickname is the Enforcer, isn’t that enough to obligate you to tell me and anyone else I choose!

I just figured I’d make you my target at the next soccer game you play with the Pelitos unless you tell me (that’s right, I will target a teammate if necessary) – Chewy will help by playing defense, which means you will be running from me while also trying to cover 2 defensive positions.

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From: Chewie

I'd suggest you tell her, Icom.
cc me for certification -- your life may very well depend on it.

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From: I-Com

Kiss of Forgetfulness??? Ordering a Code Red against your Fellow Sweeper while Chewy flails chaotically on the backline? Are we forgetting who's wearing the Scarlet Lettered Clock around her neck and who is the Merry Jokester that Could Provide the Strands with Years of Frivolity in the form of a Joke that will never get old?

And if a peaceful blackmailing solution cannot be reached so that the Enforcer's answer is one of violent means, I would direct it against the Republican-Sympathizing and Eminently-More-Fun to-Beat-Up Quixote. The name Quixote almost begs for a good walloping.

And before we jump to Machiavellian conclusions, let me remind everyone that I have strong ties to the Global Industrial Complex, whose power is stronger than a mere trip to the legs. Let us not trend so dangerously to this grizzly end game.

-Icom

P.S> "Chewy will help by playing defense" killed me.

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From: Flava Flav

Ahoy Brand X-ers!!

I am back from my tour of the east coast and internet enabled once again. Now I must admit I have no idea what Icom could be referring to. As you know, hilarity rolls from my lips like shining droplets from the eternal fountain, but I am at a complete loss to recall this alleged "Republican-sympathizing" event. In fact, I suspect that this is a clever ruse by Icom Machiavelli (descendant of Niccolo Machiavelli). There was indeed a mortifyingly hilarious event, but it was enacted by Senor Icom, not yours truly. Gales of laughter (and ridicule) ensued. Smelling salts needed to be administered to Icom's new best friend Sarah after she passed out due to prolonged laughter. Yes, K-Bay is just a decoy, a trick, to impinge my credibility when I tell the REAL embarrassing, yet hilarious tale of human folly.

Chewie and the Enforcer, don't be taken in by this silver-tongued devil's tale of deceit. What is more likely?
Flava "Line Item Veto, my ass!!!" Flav is a Republican sympathizer
OR
Icom is created this whole charade as a pre-emptive strike to distract you from a tale so embarrassing and hilarious that it will take at least 6 months before any of Brand Xer can look at or even think or Icom without giggling.

Hmmmm? Well???
I'll let you decide.

lovemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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From: I-Com

ok, quixote. i made it up. -Icom

ps. by the way, i'm in the process of running an ican search on the url www.welfarepigs.com. the idea just popped in my made-up head today.

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From: Chewie

Enforcer -- Note how our strategy of holding out is not only going to yield us ONE funny-ass story about Flav, but another totally different funny-ass story about Icom. Who cares if one (or both) of them is made up? If we can just let this war of words between Icom & Flav escalate to a fever pitch, we'll be swamped in funny-ass stories by Friday.

Icom / Flav -- Please don't read the above paragraph (secret negotiating strategies again). Oh, and Flav -- Icom told me to tell you that global warming is as made up as "Roswell aliens". And Icom -- Flav said that each Foo Fighters song is a unique and majestic musical creation.

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From: Flava Flav

Icom,

Oh how quickly the scarlet lettered clock has turned. I may know nothing of sports where axioms such as "the best offense is a good defense" hold true. No, I hail from a different background... the law. Yes, raised by a lawyer I know that the best defense is a good offense. A strong countersuit is often the best way to thwart a scurrilous attempt by others to defame one's character. It comes down to credibility, mon frere. Did I request bribes to tell my story? Did I attempt extortion? How could I? I am here to serve Brand X. NOTHING is more valuable to me than the harmonious tones of the guffaws and chortles of my Brand X brethren. This may explain why you will be eating sod next time you set foot on a Pelito soccer field while I am still nestled snugly in the bosom of Brand X friendship and loyalty. In fact I don't want to come between Chewie and the Enforcer and a good story. Feel free to share your story.

But first I must ask, what is this www.welfarepigs.com you speak of? Pigs are not a very good candidate for welfare. Oxen or work horses on the other hand, you've got something. What lays down the road oxen and horses? After a long life of ploughing fields and contributing to the farm, the only thanks they get is a future as glue or a hamburger. It's sad. They should consider unionizing. They could demand retirement benefits, limit the number of acres that can ploughed in a single day, and more access and canoodling time with the heifers. They could have snappy slogans like "Lack on Hot Heifer Sex Makes Me See Red" or "Support Oxen Rights or the Bullseye Will Be On You!" If oxen banded together, they step out of their life of drudgery and toil.

Pigs, on the other hand, do nothing but lie around, eat slop, and wallow in mud. Not to mention the friendship and free vocabulary lessons by the local spider community "Salutations!!" Who couldn't handle that? Welfare for pigs is absurd.

Well, it's been a pleasure as always. Please tell your story at your earliest convenience. Don't let me get in your way.

Talk soon,
lovemmmmmmmmmmm

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From: Chewie

Now THAT was a Brand X classic. I don't even know where to start, but "canoodling time with the heifers" is the funniest thing I've heard all week. Bonus points for the first Brand Xer to EVER allude to Charlotte's Web.

Chewie happy. Chewie very happy.

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From: I-Com

as nathaniel hawthorne wrote, "a scarlet lettered clock, hung from the neck but turned butt side up, can only tell time to one's bosoms".

and as you're pondering that one for a moment, i should note that having read your rebuttal, i would have surmised that you were not raised by lawyers at all, but instead by a far more swine-like creature... the politician who engages in spin-doctored misdirection when caught in the headlights of scandalous guilt.

but while the guilty demand their punishment be doled out immediately, the crafty blackmailer lies in wait like a lion lying prone on mountain grasslands (rrraorr)... waiting to spring subtly and decisively in a way that does much damage to the steady but stupid oxen. maybe tomorrow, maybe next week...

maybe it will come when your new boss finally writes back to you and says "Be happy with our wonderful 2 week vacation package or be happy at the unemployment line", perhaps you'll wonder to yourself, "OHHHH. Have I been sabotaged? Have I been bamboozled? Has someone powerful and lion-like whispered in the bossman's ear? Oh who could have done such a thing?"

But the only reply will be the faint but incessant ticking of the Scarlet Lettered Clock, beating butt-side up, its silent response like water torture on your soul.

tick tock

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From: Flava Flav

Really, you think I have a future in politics? Aw shucks. Spin-Doctored Misdirection? Moi? You know I feel a little bad, Chewie and the Enforcer are still expecting their story and you've got nothing. Just remember, this all could have been avoided if you had shook hands in the first place. Just store this little lesson away for next time.

Now let's look on the bright side. When Brand X finally makes its play for world domination, I can take care of the PR. Well maybe with help from Chewie. Chewie can deal with all the people that annoy me, like my neighbors at my last party. I don’t have good strategies for annoying people other than "Go ahead, call the cops. I love police officers. Bring it on!"

Can we all just kiss and make up now? Enforcer, you promise not to slide tackle Icom. Icom, you are indeed a majestic lion. I am a Machiavelli genius. We all win, now let's make fun of Chewie.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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From: Chewie

Chewie's not calling the Enforcer off until we hear a story about welfare pigs.

Thump Thump Thump.

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From: I-Com

Flava- I agree we've strayed away from our "core competency" of making fun of chewy. on the bright side, we've created several days of furious 4-strand inclusive witty banter, some of which we might actually remember next week. you and i both know what i've got in terms of story content, but i agree that its probably best that the story be told at the right place and the right time... i was thinking about using the phrase "the rich oral tradition of storytelling within brand x" here, but i decided that would be the equivalent of tossing up a softball that even chewy could hit out of the park. (scratch scratch).

just as writing an email to all strands about the "missing sock in the taiwan pizza hut" or the "homosexual flight attendant sauna" story would not maximize the comedic value neither would serious discussion on welfare pigs and their ability to find jobs. we'll tell it the next time we're all together to schameel schamozzle.

PS. After I sent out yesterday's email, I was bummed that I didn't sign it: X3MIT Would any of you have gotten it? Hint: Scarlett Lettered Clock Butt Side Up.

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From: Flava Flav

I have no idea what X3MIT means. Chewie? Enforcer?
Anyone?

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From: The Enforcer

Yay, I get it and Flava doesn't! I'm just going to hold this one in reserve until I get the story.

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From: Chewie

The only X3MIT I know is for the part number for the main bearing housing on the Hyperdrive Modulator on the Millenium Falcon. But it doesn't make any sense for Flava Flav to be ordering one of those.

Chewie

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From: I-Com

It’s TIMEX written inside out and in scarlett letters. Much like the view you would have of one of those see-through Flava Flav clocks were it to be hanging butt side up around someone's neck. I thought it was pretty damn clever, but feared that the reference might be a little obscure. Clearly, my fears were warranted.

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From: The Enforcer

Icom – you were supposed to hold that for ammunition! As I told Chewie (yes, we had a side email about this so that we could hold this over Flava’s head) I would argue that this is actually a clock in the mirror rather than upsides down and X3WIl would have been more appropriate, although the upside down T is hard to work out (I used an underlined lowercase L if it doesn’t come through). Now you definitely have to tell us the story (at the appropriate time for maximum humor, of course) to make up for this mistake.

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From: I-Com

Dang-

1. I feel as dumb as Chewy now. It would be helpful in the future if you could include me on any clandestine sidebars so that I have a little "heads up" about the grand plan.

2. I also can't believe you came up with X3WIl We might have to change your name from the Enforcer to Rainman. How about Rainman Enforner or the Renforcer for short?

3. Do you mean to tell me that after living and biking across the US with Flava for the past million years, you don't have a lifetime of ammunition to hold over her head? I've known her for a drop in your overflowing bucket and I've already accumulated a mini arsenal. Maybe we should have an arms bizarre.

4. Finally, how come when you attempt extortion of Flava, its ok? When I attempt the same thing, I'm threatened with viscious slidetakling. Be careful. You may be coming down with the dreaded "M Syndrome", a rare disease where people tiptoe around you and never question any of your actions for fear you'll blow up at the them in a fit of rage, in your case slide tackling rage.


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From: The Enforcer

1) Come on, even if you weren’t part of the plan you should of held out a little bit. I shouldn’t be surprised though given how quickly you began to fold after the lack of response to the k-bay email.

2) X3WIl took a little time - I had to write it on a post-it and determine the different impact of turning – good thing my boss is on vacation this week.

3) You are right, I do have more ammunition in the arsenal – Flava beware.

4) I was only threatening you because of your attempt to withhold information, my attempt of extortion of Flava is only to ensure that she does not stand in the way of Chewie and I are hearing the welfare pigs story. I have received my vaccinations for the “M Syndrome.”

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From: Chewie

Chewie comment on Enforcer point #1 below: WIIIIIIAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG! (Translation -- "Boom! Now THAT was a virtual, long-distance clothesline -- the Enforcer doesn't even need for someone to be in the same STATE to rack them hard")

Chewie like the Enforcer. Chewie want to restart negotiations for 70's sitcom "Chewie and the Enforcer". Chewie don't even have to drive -- he can sit in passenger seat of Charger convertible and make Wookie noises and shoot bad guys with laser gun.

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From: Flava Flav

Drop your weapons; I am not getting in the way of the welfare pig story. There really isn't anything left, but If Icom can still make a story out of it, I will be eternally impressed.

NOW, I OBJECT to the proliferation of these sub strand side-bars. (especially since I never seem to be included) Without all four strands there is no Brand X. There are no snuggly warm houses. I have yet to see the sidebar from Dorn forwarding the future best friend brunch email. I TOTALLY followed the script. "Oh Dave, you and Leanne are traveling around the world, Icom spent 6 years in China and speaks Mandarin" Now, I know this is hilarious, but I don't know HOW hilarious because i never saw the sidebar.
sigh...

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From: I-Com

Proliferation is a big word. Plus it contains the words "Pro Life" in it, which may be another freudian hint that Flav is actually a republican underneath that green windmill loving exterior of hers.

i do agree that the welfare pig story is far inferior to this week's worth of banter. but it will be told in due time, and you'll probably laugh for about 1 second, followed by "That's It?". Unless, between now and then I have a flash of brilliance and make a bunch of stuff up to create a mountain story when before it was just a mole hill. As for sidebars, sometimes they're necessary. for example, i often write craig, to tell him, "RESPOND TO MY UTTERLY HILARIOUS EMAIL. NOW. ACKNOWLEDGE ME." and he writes back "Scratch Scratch". But I agree that we should have a "No Sidebars of Substance" treaty.

I'll sign up to the NSOS. -K

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From: I-Com
Subject: SIDEBAR

On the outside chance that Flav drives back down to DC and murders me for that last pro-life comment (wouldn't that be ironic?), I'd just like to sidebar you that my signed will and testament is hidden in the jacket of my "Rushmore" DVD. hope to see you again.