The Creation of a Brand

From: I-com
Subject: Long but Filled with Love (and a Philosophical, Completely-Hypothetical Question
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 12:11:24 -0500

So, I was just doing my annual spring cleaning / advanced data analysis of my inbox and I realized that in 2004, I’ve gotten a veritable plethora of emails from a group that includes people named Flav, enforcer, and chewy. If I add the number of people on the “To:” line of these emails with the number of people on the “Fr:” line of these emails, the average over 1,283 emails is about 4.000000000000000000003. Now, I’m not what you’d call a “significant digit kind of guy” but this number ‘3’ at the end of the string of numbers kind of intrigued me. In case this is too much math for some of you, I’ve tailored my next question in words that each of you will understand:

Flav- Suppose when you look at your favorite brand of high performance insulation under a microscope (let’s call it Brand X), you see it is actually a series of four distinctly different super high performance strands of insulation woven together. Brand X has been keeping houses warm and snuggly since the early 1900s. Now suppose that one day, you’re reading “Air Sealing Monthly”, the magazine. It advertises that Brand X is moving to a new 5 strand brand of insulation. Do you wonder:

· Can the new product still be a high performance insulation?
· What is the 5th strand made of? What does it offer to the insulation?
· Did Brand X ask/consult with its customers before changing their patented insulation strand?
· What’s in it for the other 4 strands?

Enforcer- Suppose you have been anchored with the task of running the Pelitos while the normal coach is exploring Eastern European “nightlife”. You have found a line-up that works quite effectively: in fact the team is 3wins and no losses under your command. Near the end of the game, as you’re playing on the field, you glance over to the sidelines to find that one of your good friends is standing on the sidelines wearing a Pelito jersey. This is surprising because you don’t know whether your friend is any good at soccer, no one told you that they were coming and they never played during the game so you’re not sure whether they’re any good anyway. Do you:

(a) Tell them to sub in for Melissa at left halfback to test their abilities
(b) Do nothing, or
(c) Kick the ball at their head and “accidentally” slide tackle them.

Chewy- scratch scratch, scratch scratch scratch? (giant monkey language)

And finally a question that we all can relate to, suppose that NBC invites us to a special screening of the original pilot of “Full House”. The whole original cast is there including John Stamos and the Olsen twins. Except when they show the pilot, there’s an extra sibling played by a cracked out Richard Pryor circa 1987. The weird thing is that everyone in the audience is just pretending like it’s the most normal thing. You don't necessarily dislike this different "Full House", but shouldn’t somebody say something, or do you think that it would just piss Bob Saget off?
-K

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From: Flava Flav

I believe Chewy made the offer of inclusion to the hypothetical cracked-out Richard Pryor 5th strand. Upon reflection I'm not even sure the hypothetical cracked-out Richard Pryor 5th strand really wants to be included. It may have been one of those things you say at parties but don't really mean. Like "Yes, I will come visit you in East Nowheresville, Iowa. Let's plan that." Now realistically everyone knows that NO ONE ever visits East Nowheresville but you say it just the same (and inwardly curse the gods that make you a deceiving swine).

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From: I-com

that's interesting. this is a direct quote from chewy (I've translated it into English from monkey (it was my minor in college):

when [Strand 5 of Brand X] was in town last weekend, she expressed dismay when the subject of our witty banter group came up that she wasn't included. so flav, being the kind soul that she is, added her to this chain.

you said chewy offered... chewy pawed himself in a way that means, "Flav offered". since chewy is currently at the "doctors" right now (code word for: at the university of florida where doctors are taking parts of his brain and seeing if his brain can fly a plane), flav, you might as well use this opportunity to trash him (john stamos would).
-k

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From: Chewie

aaiiiiiiiiikeeee wiki wiki wiki poooooooooooooooooooooooo
(I'm pretty sure it was flav, but I couldn't swear on a banana that it wasn't me)

keeepaoooo ickeee aieee aieee aieee aieee
(However, I agree with flav that it was one of those things that one says at a party but doesn't mean)

paooooo paooooo reee [Strand 5 of Brand X] reeeeee reeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Especially since [Strand 5 of Brand X] hasn't responded and is probably auto-deleting these emails by now)

aeek aeek aeek wiki wiki aaa aaa aaa aaa paeee paeee puuu puuu ruuk rukkk ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh
(But I DO have a question -- why is icom being so insular and uncivilized? I mean, I may throw my feces against the wall and pick lice out of my neighbor's hair, and perhaps [Strand 5 of Brand X] isn't the right fit, but the still-forming human genes of compassion in me say -- "Can we truly say that all carpets should only be 4-strands and no more?" This is an existential question that has bothered me since this morning when I was drinking my own urine.)

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From: The Enforcer

I’m not sure if it was Chewy or Flav that made the offer, but I do believe that Flav was the first person to add Strand 5 to Brand X. I don’t have the email archive on this, but I believe Icom could go back and clear up this mystery when he runs his next calculation.

Going to my tailored question though, I sympathize with Chewy and/or Flav because I would probably go with A. If the pelito-jerseyed outsider’s performance was reminiscent of say… Oh I don’t know, maybe Chewy at sweeper, then I’d probably find a way to politely avoid putting them into a game in the future.

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From: I-com

Darn. I was almost certain that you'd go with some variation of C. I'm not implying Strand 5 Brand X is a bad thing... all i'm saying is that the next time craig asks to play in the field, you watch him kick the ball on the sidelines a couple time before just throwing him in the game.

its like teen wolf. when they replaced michael j fox with jason bateman in teen wolf too, they sent around a bunch of disclaimers to public high schools across the us, saying "hey kids, we're switching the character todd howard to jason bateman because michael j fox wanted too much money after all that Back to the Future stuff. But don't worry, its still really funny and he's in college now, so just roll with it." And as a result, Jason Bateman did great and that film did made money at the box office.
-k

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From: Chewie

aeeee aeeee aeeeee aeeeee aEEEEE AEEEEE AEEEE AEEEE
(i'd like to point out , for the record, that i was at LEAST as effective at sweeper as a folding chair that's been placed in the middle of the field)

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From: Flava Flav

For the record, I don't even have Strand 5's email address so I could not have initiated inclusion. I'm just a "go with the flow" girl who "replies all".

On a side note, I would like to congratulate icom on his insulation/air sealing humor. It took 3 days, but with exemplary results.

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From: Flava Flav

I would like to formally propose that going forward our witty banter family should be referred to as "Brand X". I like it. It's snappy.

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From: Chewie

Scratch scratch scratch weeke weekee ooooaaaa oaaaaaa
(I agree -- would someone help me pick some of these lice out of my
hair?)

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From: Chewie
Subject: Brand X -- MYSTERY SOLVED!!!
Date: Thu, 8 Dec 2005 16:52:05 -0500

Ok, the mystery is solved. It all started when I sent Enforcer, Flav, and Strand 5 the King Kong email as per a discussion at Bob's party Saturday night. Then Flav hit "Reply to All" and started the witty banter chain that caused Icom's panties to get all in a bunch while simultaneously making Strand 5 regret that she'd ever heard the words "witty banter email".


So in a nutshell, it's all King Kong's fault. Hardly my idea of the perfect man, one who is in perfect harmony with himself while thrusting his pecs and asscheeks into the hands of a hot Italian woman whilst dancing in the beautiful Tuscan countryside.

scratch scratch

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From: I-com
Subject: RE: Stream of Consciousness Mondays
Date: Thu, 08 Dec 2005 17:00:28 -0500
for the record:

1. this is the first email message i have with Strand 5 Brand X included. Leads me to believe that MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmm is the guilty party, although her alibi sounds fairly good.

2. its equally plausible that monkey boy is the guilty party and just forgot that he did it. of course, this would mean that there was some witty banter being done behind my back (OH the Treachery!). If true, I would feel a lot like Michael J Fox after Teen Wolf Too became enormously successful.

Enforcer- you're the only impartial judge. Who's to blame? We need to know so that we can move on and put this whole episode behind us.

-K

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From: The Enforcer

Do we really need to blame someone? Kevin, I think you and I should just sit back and bask in the glow of knowing that it was not our fault and that we will be able to hold this over the heads of Flav and Chewy forever. We should just move on and be proud of all the quality, witty banter that came out of this. Plus we can now use Brand X as a new inside code to avoid future Strand 5 incidents, much like in college when Anna and I used “Want to go to Taco Bell?” as code for “Do you want me to help you get rid of this guy?”

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From: Flava Flav
Subject: I am not a crook

alright, alright, i did it. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa (Chewy, that's from "the Act of Contrition" in Latin).

However i stand by my previous statement that it was CHEWY who made the offer of inclusion at Bob's party. (If I'm going down, I'm taking Chewy with me).

Now I must take a moment to acknowledge and appreciate the ease with which Enforcer said "Let us not blame..." followed a mere half line later by "hold it over their heads forever", and somehow there was no noticeable logical breakdown, sheer genius.

Boston folks, anyone want to see Harry Potter tonight?

lovemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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From: Flava Flav

Chewy,

I included the Latin to give you an opportunity to tell us about your great great great great grandfather's demise during the Holy Roman Empire and it's impact on all Westmorelands thereafter.

mm

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From: I-com

all i know is that it wasn't Enforcer or i who attempted to add a 5th strand to brand x. no no (latin for 'no'). we won't have that burden on our conscious night in and night out for the rest of our lives.

i also hear that watching harry potter will take away a little piece of your soul. might be just a rumor. maybe the butterfly effect is playing at the dollar cinema or something; chewy really liked that one and he'd probably see it again (astin kutcher is a god in the giant primate community)
-k

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From: Chewie

P.S. As if I needed to bolster my previous point about the story never holding up in court, the alleged discussion actually took place at Allison's party (on the couch), not at Bob's party, as Drunkie Emotional Can't Be Relied on For Solid Testimony Flav claims.

QED.***

*** Latin for "in yo' respective faces, biznatches"

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From: Chewie

That story is so well-known that it doesn't need repeating. The legend of Maximus Westmorelandus is one that, to this day, children across Europe never tire of hearing as a bedtime story of good triumphing over evil.

On Flav's pitiful attempt to take me down, I say "Shamus Shamus" (latin for "Shame on you" (alternate translation: The plural of trained whales who make their home at Sea World)). Flav's amateurish attempt at smearing my good name further underscores the mistake made from the beginning -- she made her mistake on email, which as we all know, stays around forever.** However, IF I made the statement at the party (and I'm only saying "IF"!!! -- no admission of guilt here), I made it verbally, with limited witnesses who were all hopped up on Cosmopolitans and obviously distraught by the treachery shown during judging that removed "Pope with Bow & Arrow Hunting Bear with Honey" from the judging. Even with witnesses, that would never stand up in court.

Sit back, Flav, and take a lesson from the master.***

I'm taking the day off from work -- so I'm off to frolic in the snow, do some shopping, and generally not check email. So I'm declaring my laptop to be a "Yoko-Free Zone" (Flav, don't even think about this -- see comment above (RE: "master" = me; "amateur" = you).

Adieu, Farewell, Bon Voyage, Ciao, Peace Out Biznatches,
Chewy the Master Miyagi

** And, I might add, we all have a healthy respect for -- I'm sure none of the comments made by Brand X will ever come back to haunt us, say if I'm ever running for President of the Society for the Humane Treatment of Gorillas, or if Icom's ever up for CEO of the first-ever 5-strand carpet company.

*** The "master" being me.